Confused

Just a few things first. I used to blog on "myspace" when I felt the need to express myself outloud. When I changed over to "facebook" there is no where to blog, and I felt a little bit lost. My girlfriend started blogging on this site and I thought that would be a great idea! A few things about myself. My name is Amy and I am a wife, a mother and a friend. I love my family and would like to share some moments of our lives with our friends. If you follow me you will notice that I am all over the place in my thoughts and that is how I blog. All over the place. I will be in the middle of a thought and go into something else. That is just who I am and that is how I write!

Now for my thoughts.......

First of all let me say that I love my Jesus and I know how big He is. Almost a year ago my girlfriend and I were asked to start a young ladies bible study group on Wednesday nights, I didn't even have to think about it. I said yes. I was very excited and so was my friend. We had big plans, to do great things thru our group of young ladies. The first couple of meetings, there were only a few ladies showing up, then the next few weeks even more were coming. This is great!!!! Our group quickly went from 4 0r 5 ladies each week to over 20. WOW!! We were having great studies, I felt like what my friend and I were teaching on was being heard and put to use. I could see it. I was thinking this group is ready to do something for others. Christmas came around, which I know is a hard time for everyone, but we decided to take a family's name from the Christmas Bureau. We received a family's name from the school that our children attend. I was heart broken because I knew the child who was named on this form. She is a bright fourth grader who makes great grades and is AIG classes. Both of her parents had jobs, until the economy went bad, they both lost their jobs. If it wasn't for our group this family would not have Christmas this year. Surely everyone would give something for such a great cause. Boy was I wrong! Only three people gave. What was wrong with this picture? Have you not heard anything that we have been talking about? Give up a day of eating lunch out and give to this cause!!! Still it did not happen. I still saw God's hand in it. Between the three that gave we ended up with close to $300.00. We went shopping and spent our money very wisely. We were able to get most of everything that was on the wish list. My heart felt so big, even though it was not much, this family was going to have a great Christmas. They got to see the love of Jesus through someone's kindness. Shouldn't we want to show that everyday?

In September 2008 my very dear friend and her family had the calling to adopt a sweet baby girl and bring her into their home to love as their own. My friends jumped in feet first and took on the task of becoming parents again. They already had an eight year old and a special needs five year old.They thought that their family was complete, but God said no, you need to take in this baby and make her apart of your family. They did as God had asked and took this baby girl and fell completly in love with her. I got the chance to become "Aunt Amy" to this very special baby girl. I got the oppritunity to babysit her one day every week. I would bring her into the office with me and we would talk about girl things, because she only had brothers!! Lauren (my 10 year old) and Kaylee (my 7 year old) fell in love with this baby. The days that she was at the house they would change her clothes and diapers, feed her when she would cry and say mom can we please keep her a little longer. Call her mom tell her to pick up the baby later! This little baby girl found a big spot in our hearts and our family. Four months later she died of SIDS. How could God give this precious baby to my friends and then take her away. How could He ask them to take on such a big task and then break their hearts? How could our God who loves us so much leave our hearts and arms so empty? (to see Kaylens whole story please visit www.kaylenswritetoheal it will change your life.)

I was asked a couple of weeks ago to teach our adult Sunday School class, because our teacher was going to be out of town. The lesson was on growing old gracefully. I was having a hard time grasping that. I prayed about it and decided to teach the "Love Dare" from the movie "Fire Proof". As I was reading through the book I realized that I wanted more from my marriage. My husband deserved more, I deserved more and in the end when the kids are gone all we are going to have is each other. For those of you who don't know me, my husband is the love of my life and I don't see my life without him ever! When I said til death do us part I meant it. This book was great, it had great idea's in it. It had God's word in it. I taught on the first three chapters of the book and for the first time in that class we had a conversation, everyone was involved, everyone had something to say. I was thinking to myself this is great, they are getting it. Guess what? At the end of the class, I volunteered to teach on the rest of the book over the next few weeks, I got shot down. Not one person wanted to work on their marriage. Not one couple wanted to hear what God had to say about the way we love our spouses. Why?

I know that we are here to bring others to Jesus. I know without a shadow of a doubt that is what we are supposed to do as Christans. I know that I know if I were to die today I would go sit with my Father in Heaven. How come He asks us to do things that are out of our character? Why does He ask us to take on tasks that no one else wants to do? Then when we do the task, why can we not see the results? Why does our hearts have to break to do the work of Jesus? My Sunday School teacher has told me more than once it is not up to us to save them, it is only up to us to plant the seed. How many seeds do we have to plant? Why am I questioning God? I did not realize how angry I was about Him taking Kaylen from her parents, until the other day. I have not questioned Him one time since her death. I have tried to be the strong one for her family. But when I woke up the other morning and realized that it had been four months since her death, I was angry. How could our God who is so good take her? How could He leave this broken spot in our hearts? How could he let my friends children and my children get so attached to this baby and just take her away? How could he let us teach others about Him and them not get it? How come I am having such a hard time wanting to go to Church to past few months? Who am I to question our God?